She made her way carefully on the steep and narrow forest path. Frequently glancing behind her. Pulling her cloak close around her, she held tightly to the bundle underneath as she continued on. The forest’s shadows dancing around her as she traveled. She had just begun to breath easier when she heard something behind her. Quickly turning around she was met by a sword held straight at her. Giving a small cry of alarm she tried to get away, but she was surrounded. Her heart quickened as the shadows of more men came from the woods. Their leader came up to her, looking her up and down, “What are you doing here?” he asked sternly. Trembling, she clutched her bundle closer to her. The man took another step closer to her, his tall form seemed menacing. She took a step back, but the swords kept her from making any other moves. The leader pushed her cloak away, revealing a newborn baby. Strength seemed to suddenly leave the woman, “Please,” was all she whispered before collapsing.
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O.O This is amazing! I definitely want to read this serial story
ReplyDeleteGlad you like it!
DeleteWow, great job, s.m.b!! I wrote a scene based off the picture I gave you a little while ago, and it was so much fun to see what you "saw" in the picture.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I really love the scene you wrote!! I'd love to see it as a serial story!! :D Now I'm excited!
Okay as far as critiquing goes. . .you did a really great job! There's really not much I can say. :) I did notice and the 2nd and 4th sentences are not complete sentences. A comma between the 1st and 2nd and then a semi-colon between the 3rd and 4th would work well and make it easier to read.
Again, AMAZING scene!!! I want to read more about it. ;)
Thanks Jesseca, I'll get on those edits soon.
DeleteI'm glad you enjoyed it. :) I'm already working on ideas of where the story should go.
Excellet, Soleil! Yes, I would most definitely love to keep reading a story like this! Good job! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteNice work! Very intriguing. Sounds like the beginning of fantasy novel- the baby is the chosen one and the woman is a) its designated protector, or b) kidnapping the baby in order to keep it safe! 0_o
ReplyDeleteAnd the soldiers... one wonders if they are friend or foe, or possibly just neutral? Who knows. :D
One sentence stood out to me though- "The Forest's shadows dancing around her as she traveled."
Being a complete sentence, it would be better to use "danced", past tense, rather than "dancing", which would have made more sense if it had been in a compound sentence. (Does that make any sense? I was trying to figure out how to actually word what I was trying to get across... if it's confusing, let me know and I'll try again. :)
Overall, good work! Would be nice to see what this could turn into!
That makes total sense Emmarayn. Thanks for the feedback, and your thoughts are just what I wanted the reader to wonder. :) Loved your story as well!
DeleteOooo, I want to read more!!! So good! :-)
ReplyDelete